| The Pillow Method |
[Dec. 17th, 2003|02:09 am]
fluffsqueek
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I learned about this in my "Feelings" class. (Its formal name is Interpersonal Communication, but meh. That's what it should be called.) It's an exercise called the Pillow Method that I got out of our textbook, and it's used for any sort of interpersonal conflict/argument. I find it very useful and thought that the few who do read my journal would be interested in it.
I also typed out examples of how the Pillow Method works, so if you really want to see that just ask. ^^;;
I typed this out really quickly, so if there are a few typos, I am sorry.
Position One: I'm right, you're wrong
Position Two: You're right, I'm wrong
Position Three: Both right, both wrong
Position Four: The issue isn't important
Position Five: There's truth in all perspectives
Pos 1: This is the perspective that we usually take when viewing an issue. We immediately see the virtues in our position and find fault with anyone who happens to disagree with us. Detailing this position takes little effort and provides little new information.
Pos 2: At this point you switch perspectives and build the strongest possible arguments to explain how another person an view the issue differently from you. Besides identifying the strengths in the other's position, this is the time to play the devil's advocate and find flaws in yours.
Find flaws in your position and trying to support the other's position requires discipline and a certain amount of courage, even though this is only an exercise and you will soon be able to retreat to position 1 if you choose. But most people learn that switching perspectives shows that there is some merit to the other person's perspective.
There are some issues where it seems impossible to call the other position "right." Criminal behavior, deceit, and disloyalty often seem beyond justification. At times like these it is possible to arrive at position 2 by realizing that the other person's behavior is understandable. For example, without approving you may be able to understand how someone would resort to violence, tell lies or cheat. Whatever the particulars, the goal of position 2 is to find some way of comprehending how anyone would behave in a way that you originally found impossible to defend.
Pos 3: From this position you acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses of each person's arguments. If you have done a good job with position 2, it should be clear that there is some merit in both points of view and that each side has its demerits. Taking a more evenhanded look at the issue can lead you to be less critical and more understanding of another's point of view.
Pos 3 can also help you find the commonalities between your position and the other's. Perhaps you've both been right to care so much about the issue, but both wrong to fail to recognize the other person's concerns. Perhapts there are underlying values that you both share and similar mistakes that you've both made. In any case, the perspective of pos 3 should help you see that the issue isn't as much a matter of complete right and wrong as it first appeared to be.
Pos 4: This perspective will help you realize that the issue isn't as important as you thought. Although it is hard to think of some issues as unimportant, a little thought will show that most aren't as important as we make them out to be. The impact of even the most traumatic events - the death of a loved one or the breakup of a relationship, for example - usually fades over time. The effects may not disappear, but we learn to accept them and get on with life. The importance of a dispute can also fade when you realize that you've let it overshadow other equally important parts of your relationship., It's easy to become so wrapped up in a dispute about one subject that you forget about the other ways in which you are close to the other person.
Conclusion: After completing the first four positions, a final step is to recognize that each of them has some merit. Although logic might suggest that it's impossible for a position to be both right and wrong, both important and unimportant, your own experience will show that there is some truth in each of the positions you have explored. This fifth is very different from the "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude that most people bring to an issue. After you have looked at an issue from these five perspectives, it is almost certain that you will gain new insights. These insights may not cause you to change your mind or even solve the problem at hand. Nonetheless, these new insights can increase your tolerance for the other person's position and thus improve the communication climate. |
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